Dear Quirine:

Did you learn anything in the three years therapy and analysis that is relevant to the issue of your thread, such as your relationships with your parents, past and present?

anita

Dear Quirine:

There is not much use in understanding something if it doesn’t promote the beginning of healing. If you saw an analyst for three years for the purpose of intellectual understanding, that could be an interesting intellectual process. The job of a psychotherapist is to guide you into a healing process, an emotional healing that involves the intellect.

You wrote that you were uncomfortable being close to your father, unlike your mother. Can you describe your childhood relationship with your mother? And then, with your father?

anita

Dear Quirine:

You mentioned that sometimes you fall in love/ get infatuated with women who are not available- that happens to everyone: possible romantic partners are otherwise engaged (in a relationship, a different sexual orientation, and such). It doesn’t mean you are necessarily attracted to unavailable women, but that reality is not everyone is available.

Being afraid of your father, living fearfully of his anger, as a child, him being hotheaded and attacking you from time to time unexpectedly (“time to time him to tell me off for whatever reason”) is a very difficult situation for a child, scary. It explains to me why you would be afraid and distrustful of women/ girlfriends. When your father was nice or acted loving toward you, you didn’t know how long it would last. You were cautious, wanting to prepare for the next attack, to not be surprised, correct? If so, in a similar way, you want to prepare for the ending of a relationship before it ends, so to not get so painfully surprised.

Keeping your sexual orientation a secret, even from your safer mother, was an added complication to your life.

I suppose you will need to deal with the fear, the fear you already experienced growing up with your father, the fear of being rejected for your secret, the fear of re-experiencing pain in future romantic relationships.

Perhaps healing-type of psychotherapy can help you. Therapy where you will be taught such a thing as “emotional regulation skills”- so to endure and manage the anxiety, to not be overwhelmed and to function effectively in a relationship in spite of the anxiety. It will also help to further learn communication skills so to communicate effectively with the next girlfriend, or potential girlfriend.

Another very important skill: to evaluate people, so to avoid women who will disrespect and mistreat you.

anita

Dear Quirine:

I too attended Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Within the therapy, in addition to the CBT exercises my therapist taught me emotional regulation skills (typical of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, DBT) as well as Mindfulness. It is necessary to develop such skills so to endure anxiety without automatically reacting to it; necessary so to behave effectively.

You wrote that you doubt you can “find a person that would instill trust and patience in me”- those things cannot be instilled. Once you are inclined to distrust, you can no longer automatically trust others. But you shouldn’t really, automatically trust others because not everyone is trustworthy.

The solution is to take a lot of time and patiently, slowly, learn who the person is in front of you: does she keep her word? When she says she’ll do something, does she follow through?

Post anytime, if you’d like. Best to you!

anita

Dear Quirine:

Wanting to answer your question best I can, I re-read your posts on this thread. You asked if apart from anxiety (ongoing, repeating fear), do I also notice a problematic situation here:

Yes, I think that you will greatly benefit from learning relationship skills (interpersonal skills) in a love relationship. These can be taught and practiced in a couple counseling setting (with a girlfriend). There are also books, workbooks and maybe online sources. But no substitute for practicing with a professional/ teacher.

It is a matter of learning, nothing magical. One very important such skill is Assertiveness, another is approaching any conflict with a Win-Win approach: no loser/ winner. Both need to win. Another is responsibility, for example, saying: I feel sad when you don’t do this or that, instead of saying: you make me feel sad. Another skill: attentive listening, then repeating what the other person said so to make sure you understood correctly.

Here is an example of a non-skill, that is, a skill no one has: mind reading. Partners often feel that the other is supposed to know what they feel without telling what it is. Or a partner assumes the other is thinking or feeling this or that. Instead of assuming, instead of mind-reading, ask and tell, clearly, simply.

I wish you learned those skills. Putting them into practice successfully will help your anxiety, giving you confidence.

* One more thing I noticed: you were unsure/ uncomfortable about being gay for a long time and that hindered you in the area of love relationships. You may still be not comfortable enough. Reads to me that you didn’t tell your father and that your mother didn’t react too well? This discomfort/ fear of rejection for being gay may be an issue as well.

Post anytime. If you find it helpful, this need not be a “one last thing”!

anita

You are welcome, Quirine, and thank you for your encouragement. Post anytime.

anita